Many of us attend networking sessions and an awful lot of us hate it but I have met a few over the years who have claimed to like it. In my experience those that enjoy networking gatherings do not do much networking but they chat to old friends and associates and generally use the event as a social occasion.
I'll admit that networking can be fun when you are familiar with some others in attendance but I do firmly think that to call this networking is being rather generous! I like a beer or a glass of wine with my business mates just like anyone does but we'll deride one of our crowd who dares to attempt to talk about work - let alone try to sell something.
Then there is the networking event that you agree to attend only because some random contact you last saw in a Travelodge three years ago managed to convince you over LinkedIn it would be a good idea. You arrive and know nobody, you have added your name to a card and slotted it into the plastic sleeve you then have to wear on a lanyard. As you walk into the main room there are a few too many shiny suits and an overpowering smell combination of aftershaves and perfumes. It is at this point that the "host" will come beaming up to you with a big fat smile and a metal name badge to display his significance over anyone else. With a chuckle he reads your name from your badge out loud and instantly becomes adhered to your side like a heavyweight limpet for the next ten minutes. "You must meet Marjorie" he will suggest enthusiastically (Marjorie will normally be free and talking to nobody because all those in the know already avoid her like the plague as she has all the charisma of a meatball) "Marjorie runs a VERY successful business selling egg cups made from recycled garden hose" exclaims the host with enough volume to ensure Marjorie has heard this compliment.
Marjorie is harmless enough, she looks like something between Hyacinth Bucket and Pat Butcher. She tells me how she came up with this "wonderful idea" after her husband Cedric died and she realised that he had far too much garden hose. Her very successful enterprise has online shops on eBay and Amazon but she has not yet reached double figure monthly sales - she just needs one of the big boys like John Lewis to stock her product and then she will be preparing for the call from the producers of Dragons Den.
Marjorie never asks about you or your business and the conversation inevitably falls into an uncomfortable silence. "Excuse me, I must just pop to the loo" gives you the break you need and Marjorie is left alone until the next newbie arrives.
"Ladies and gentleman, please gather around" booms a voice. It's the host again and he is about to launch proceedings. You gather into a crowd in front of him and avoid going anywhere near the front. He waffles on for five minutes or so about how nice it is to see everyone and then it comes...the words we all dread..."can we all now form a circle and tell everybody a little about you and what you do." Everybody shuffles around, those that hang back hoping to escape this ritual are ushered in like a queuing pig at the abattoir. "Who would like to start?" Silence. Everybody is avoiding eye contact and waiting for some poor sod to be volunteered to kick things off. Norman eventually starts, he is an Accountant from Norman & Borem Partners, next up is Kylie, she is a spray tan specialist from Southend. Now it's Deano's turn; he is the International Business Development Director for Plat'num Motors behind the B&Q in Billericay - they deal in "Beemers, Merks and Owdeez but can get 'old of anyfing."
Now it's your turn, you attempt to recite the same spiel you used at the last 49 of these events and you just about pull it off - not that anyone listened or can remember your name ten seconds after it was said.
Now onto the mini Scotch Eggs and cocktail sausages from a paper plate with someone's homemade relish that tastes like feet.
Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? It could all be so much easier! Have two big tables; one for the boys and one for the girls. Put some booze on the table and let things happen naturally. As the session progresses people will swap tables and mix with those they feel an infinity too - that is how business is done. None of you buy anything of someone you don't like or think is an idiot so why on earth do we think there is a great business opportunity to be had by forcing a group of people upon each other in such an unnatural and uncomfortable way?
If you put people together they will find the like-minded others, they will connect and they may do some business. We do not need handholding or to be forced into these embarrassing circles of hell so please stop bloody doing it!!!
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